Ted 2: 10 of Ted's Best Lines
Seth MacFarlane is not a man known for political correctness, so when his first feature film Ted arrived in 2010 its premise may have seemed oddly sweet and innocent; a young boy living in Boston is lonely and socially awkward, so he wishes for his best friend, a stuffed teddy bear, to come to life – a wish that is miraculously granted.
It sounds a little like the plot to a cheesy Christmas film for kids, but this is Seth MacFarlane, so it came as little surprise when this sweet little teddy matured into a foul-mouthed, pot-smoking chancer whose bad influence on his man-child companion John (Mark Wahlberg) eventually leads to the break up of his marriage. The first film was a huge hit at the box office, so a sequel was inevitable and after a cinematic release earlier in the year, Ted 2 arrives in stores on Monday (November 23rd).
This time around we begin with Ted marrying his trashy girlfriend Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), but their marital bliss is short-lived and within months the pair are having violent arguments and hurling insults - and objects - at each other, so Ted has an idea that may save their marriage; have a child together.
There are however a couple of fairly major drawbacks to the plan; firstly, being a stuffed toy, Ted lacks the biological capacity to procreate, so the couple will need to find a sperm donor and Ted decides New England Patriots' star quarterback Tom Brady will be the perfect candidate. However, since neither Ted or John know Tom personally, they'll need to obtain his seed by other means.
But there's an even bigger problem; a court ruling has deemed Ted not to be human, therefore exempting him from any kind of human rights, including the legal ability to have or adopt children. John and Ted hire a lawyer (Morgan Freeman), who hands the case to his inexperienced niece Samantha (Amanda Seyfried), who also happens to share their love of smoking weed. Ted and his lawyer must then battle with the justice system for the right to be recognised as a real person.
Anyone who has seen the first film – or indeed and of MacFarlane's creations – won't be surprised to learn that Ted 2 is every bit as outrageous as its predecessor, so while it's not a film for the easily offended, anyone who enjoys MacFarlane's brand of offf-colour humour will likely find the sequel very, very funny.
You can find the trailer below, beneath that we've picked out 10 of Ted's funniest quotes from the film to give an idea of what you're letting yourself in for...
(Be warned: many of the below quotes are probably NSFW and definitely not for someone with a sensitive outrage reflex...)
Ted's funniest quotes from Ted 2
[To Morgan Freeman's character]
“I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice.”
[When his lawyer asks who Sam L. Jackson is]
“You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.”
[After sneaking into Tom Brady's bedroom while he's sleeping]
“Two MVPs, four Superbowl rings. Guaranteed Hall of Famer. Now let's give him a handjob into this cup...”
[After crashing Samantha's car]
“I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.”
[To his wife at their wedding]
“Baby, I'm gonna go Fifty Shades of Bear on you tonight.”
[Arguing with his wife about her spending money on clothes 'for work']
“You don't have to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag.”
[On the witness stand in court]
“Hey, it must be weird for you guys having a doll up here on the stand with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him.”
[To John before his sperm donation]
“Now look, you haven't smoked pot for two whole days right? Alright, I'm sorry, I just don't want something I gotta feed with a pitchfork when he's sixteen.”
[After an incident at the sperm bank leaves John covered in 'samples']
“You look like a Kardashian”
[Reading his mail after he is legally declared 'property']
“Dear Ted, your Chase bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship.” “Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked.” “Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Chino rewards member.” F*ck, that’s a big one.”